Rimmer's Realisation
by GlassBomb
Summary: Alternate ending to Out Of Time where Rimmer doesn't think to destroy the future Starbug. Angst, slash and OOC. But hey: 'Tis the season to be jolly. And I'm extremely ill.


**I'm really ill with a stomach virus, and consequently, I fancied making Rimmer suffer. Not that I don't love him, but Rimmer angst is gorgeous.**

**And yes, I do know that Holly isn't dead. Just giving her female aspect another escape route.**

**Apologies for the incredibly OOC nature of this. Still rather like it though.**

**Anyway, on with the show...**

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A look of stunned disbelief crossed the face of Arnold Judas Rimmer as he returned to the control room. Collapsing into his seat, his eyes blank, he stared around the small area. Buttons were bleeping, lights were flashing and the panel was still emitting the odd spark, but none of it mattered to him.

They were dead. All three of them, completely smegged up. They were lying directly in front of his vision range, eating away at his soul. Electrical explosion. If there was one thing Rimmer had learnt from his bastard of a father, it was that playing with fire got you burnt. Evidently, playing with electronics culminated in a similar effect.

Why did he miss them? He dug his fingernails into his skin, desperately attempting to keep some manner of composure. It had been less than five minutes, for god's sake. He had the rest of his death to deal with this, and he could hardly tolerate three damn minutes.

For the first time since his childhood, Rimmer was barely containing his almost overwhelming desire to cry. And he had no idea why. The crew had hated him. And he had hated them. Well, at least that was what he displayed. Far from it, in reality. And, despite their constant derogatory comments against him, he doubted they truly detested him. Perhaps 'strong dislike' was a better term.

Lister, Kryten and Cat had been his new family. His only family, really. He'd had one, once - although they hadn't exactly loved him - but after that, he had been alone. Until he'd joined the ranks of the infamous Red Dwarf. He couldn't even handle that the vast majority of the time - he'd been single-handedly responsible for the deaths of every single crew member except the ones who were now spread-eagled before him.

Internally, he was crumbling. He'd begun to shake slightly, which caused him to heave out a sigh.

"Get a grip," he snapped of himself, not surprised to hear the tremors snake their way into his larynx. "They're just three smegheads. You're grieving over the most idiotic trio in the universe."

_Grieving? _

Where had THAT come from? Was that what he was doing? Was this how the loss of loved ones felt?

_Stop it right now, Arnie. You did NOT love them._

"Shut up," he snapped of his deluded thoughts. "What the hell do you know about it?"

_I'm you. Shockingly enough, I know quite a lot about you. You're grieving. Especially for Dave._

"Piss off," he growled, fighting against his inevitable tears by screwing up his eyelids and curling into a tight ball, praying for emotional salvation for the first time in his life.

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In the vast reaches of total nothingness, surrounded by various modern conveniences, lay a mechanoid who was just rising from his slumber.

"Owww," he murmured, his artificial eyes fluttering open painfully and allowing him full view of his surroundings. Surroundings which, it transpired, he was not at all familiar with. He sat up, his mind awhirl with thoughts, and took in his new environment fully.

Wherever this place was, it was heaven. Appliances littered every cloud, and -

_Cloud…?_

Standing finally, Kryten stood shakily, and immediately looked down, stunned.

His full weight was residing perfectly adequately upon a wisp of frozen air.

"Oh dear," he analysed simply, barely daring to move lest he fall to a rather unpleasant death.

"It's a bit late for that," a voice called, making the mechanoid momentarily forget his position and jump.

"Sorry," it apologised, inspiring Kryten to spin on his heel and gaze frantically around.

"Who's there?" He demanded, stepping forwards slightly, wondering idly whether or not the cloud would warm to him enough to withstand his weight. Luckily, it seemed to.

"Hello…?" Kryten called uncertainly, reiterating his presence.

"Hello," the voice responded.

"Please forgive my impudence," the mechanoid implored, patience wearing thin, "but who and where in Andromeda's name are you?"

"I'm behind you. Turn round, and you'll find out."

He did so, and came face to face with the female version of Holly - in full form.

"Holly…" he murmured, smiling. "How is this possible? You're a computer."

She grinned.

"So are you," she pointed out, moving towards him.

"But, I don't understand… how are we here? Where IS here?"

"You're not meant to understand it, Kryten. I don't know either."

She grasped his hand, her fingers surprisingly realistic, and led him towards the nearest vacuum cleaner.

"Remember you once quipped that if there wasn't a silicon heaven, then the dead calculators wouldn't have anywhere to go?"

"I do, Miss Holly," he recalled fondly, nodding.

"Well, I have a feeling that they've all hit the jackpot."

Kryten smiled, but remained bewildered.

"I remember that Mister Lister and The Cat were at the control panel, Holly," he commented, somehow managing to prevent his arousal around the electronic paradise. "What happened? They were killed, and now I'm here -"

His eyes went blank for a moment as he realised the truth.

"I'm dead," he said simply.

Holly sighed somewhat obviously, and grabbed the mechanoid's other hand.

"I was hoping you wouldn't realise for a while," she muttered, seeming defeated. "Yeah. This is death. Cheerful as hell, isn't it?"

Kryten gazed at her.

"Why is death so… _modern_?" He pondered, more to himself than to Holly, who laughed anyway.

"It's not unless you want it to be," she assured him. "That's why Dave and Cat aren't here - their ideas of the afterlife manifested into something different to yours."

Something, however, wasn't ringing true with the robot.

"Holly, why are you only mentioning Mister Lister and The Cat?"

Holly smiled encouragingly.

"I think you should see this," she informed him, pulling him away from Hoovers and across the room, where a large, plasma television was mounted into the wall. Holly pressed a button on the side of it, and clearly spoke three words.

"Arnold Judas Rimmer."

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Wanting to scream, Rimmer closed his mind off to all cognitive processes - especially denial - and stood, almost immediately sinking to a kneeling position as his legs gave out completely beneath him. As Lady Luck - the little bitch that she was - would have it, he landed right next to Cat.

A single glance later, and Rimmer suddenly found resolve a hell of a lot harder to sustain. A small patch of blood had appeared under the corpse's neck, his pupils glassy and stunned, as though he couldn't quite believe that he was being showered in lethal sparks.

Choking back a sob, the hologram's frame quickly turned away before he could lose complete control, and his eyes fixed upon Kryten. His metallic paintwork was chipped, and his uniform was scorched. He briefly recalled how the android had become his defence lawyer, and almost smiled. Squeezing his hand, the full realisation smashed into him. The most faithful individual in the whole universe wouldn't ever wake up again. Rimmer had no idea how to fix him. This programming was way above his standards. The odd modification was all well and good, but he hadn't a clue on how to repair his internal circuits.

Pulling gently away from the robot, Rimmer's burning eyes now swivelled over to the still frame of both his best friend and worst enemy, Dave Lister. Emotions seared through Rimmer's bloodstream as he crawled over to the man that made his existence worthwhile.

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"Mister Caaaaaaat?" A sing-song voice called cheerily, shaking the former feline's shoulder rather vigorously. He jerked awake, sitting up rapidly and drawing a grin from the owner of the voice - a beautiful female, clad in nothing but a small and revealing pink bikini.

"Erm, who are you?" he commented, standing abruptly in the presence of this female, momentarily leaving the charm aside.

"I, dear man, am an incarnation of your greatest desires. Cheer up, sunshine - we're going shopping! We could buy lots of clothes, then have sex. If you wanted to, of course."

She beamed, and Cat's jaw dropped.

"Promises, promises…" he joked nervously, finding resolve terribly difficult to maintain as she began to stroke his arm. It wasn't that he _wanted_ to maintain it - he just didn't find this situation too legitimate. He was obviously either dreaming, or the rest of the crew had somehow obtained some sort of virtual reality device and were testing on him. If the former was true, he was going to wake up one disappointed git. If the latter was more correct, then he was in fact making a complete prat of himself.

"As much as I'd love to do all this…"

His heart finally caught up with his brain, and began an all-out assault against it.

_Get a GRIP, man! LOOK at this woman! She's everything you've ever wanted, and then some. Go eat her ALIVE!_

The mind, however, wasn't prepared to take this lying down.

_Yeah, and she also isn't real. I know you're a sexual animal, but making love to thin air's a little below even your belt._

_Wake up and smell the caffeine. Have your damn answers after he's screwed her senseless._

The mind conceded quickly, sensing the futility of the argument.

_Fine. Sex, then answers. You know something's not quite legitimate here._

The heart grinned, satisfied in its victory, and the mind sighed as Cat's lips uttered the words that he knew all along he'd say.

"Let's shop later."

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Lister's body was less visibly traumatised than Cat; the only thing physically afflicting him was his slightly charred skin and his damaged nose, from which trickled a thin stream of crimson blood.

Somehow, however, the sight of Lister was so much harder to handle than that of both Cat and Kryten combined.

Rimmer's facades collapsed as he picked his acquaintance up and placed him delicately into his lap.

"Listy?" He whispered, as though he believed that saying his nickname would resurrect him. Several tears slipped onto the dead Human's face as the hologram began to pour his heart out, now with nothing to lose.

"Dave, wake up," he encouraged gently, not actually expecting him to do so at all. "Come on, Listy. I can't do this alone. I've spent my whole life without anyone, and I know you hated me more than most, but I…"

He faltered, a sob leaving his throat properly this time as his tears were unleashed.

"I love you, David Lister. How stupid is that? You can't stand me."

He laughed humourlessly, ploughing on before he lost the ability to speak.

"But that doesn't matter. You have to live, Listy. You can wake up and punch my lights out if you want, or just make some sort of cruel joke… just show me you're alive, and I promise I'll make you something nice, and possibly related to Indian cuisine."

When Lister failed to respond, Rimmer lowered his trembling lips to his fellow traveller's face, and whispered to him.

"You'd kill me for this," he murmured, the smile forming slightly upon his features. "But I'm afraid it will have to be suicide…"

His eyelids fluttered shut as he met Lister's mouth in a soft kiss.

"I'm sorry," he muttered, tears splashing onto the third technician. "So sorry I couldn't save you…"

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Down by the Mersey sat David Lister, freshly arisen and with absolutely no idea what was going on, but enjoying the serenity of it all nevertheless. Absently, he wondered where his friends were, but their location didn't seem to matter currently. He was almost detached from reality down here. God, it literally had been several million years since he'd last watched the flow of the local river, wishing it'd take him away to somewhere more interesting and less stressful.

He'd found that in the Red Dwarf crew. Especially one man.

"I wish you were down here, Arnold," he muttered, picking a flat stone up and skimming it across the river's rippled surface, vaguely wondering why he acted like such a bastard to the man. Perhaps he thought it was because he couldn't love a dead person. Or maybe it was because Rimmer was so nasty to him most of the time that he couldn't bring himself to respond compassionately, despite being in love with him. Damn it, he didn't even know WHY he loved the bloke.

Here, the queries weren't important. But they were interesting.

"How the smeg did I get here?" He pondered briefly, skimming another pebble. "And where are the three of them?"

"They're not here, obviously."

Spinning around, annoyed at having his peace disturbed, he was about to confront whoever stood there, before realising just who it was.

"Kris…"

Lister's ex smiled placidly, taking a seat next to him on the bank.

"Hi, Dave."

"I thought you were dead," he muttered, hugging her tightly.

"I am," she replied simply when the embrace was over. "And I'm not the only one."

Her soul-consuming stare shot right through him, and he realised the truth.

"I imagined death at least having a curry house," he mused aloud, drawing a grin from Kochanski.

"There's a great place down the road - the prawn vindaloos are simply delightful," she said cheerfully, allowing him to laugh before becoming serious again. "But that's not what I'm here for."

"Damn," he responded, smiling. "Why _are_ you here then?"

She squeezed his shoulder before answering.

"Because it's not your time to die yet. Kryten and Cat are in their own individual heavens, and will soon be discovering the same thing."

The smile evaporated from Lister's lips.

"What about Rimmer?" He asked, disliking the fact that he was suddenly worried.

"Rimmer wasn't killed," she murmured, apparently aggrieved over this fact.

The memories flooded back as he recalled dying, realising that his friends had to have disappeared in the same way, and that Rimmer must have somehow managed to survive.

Of course. Resilient little weasel, he was.

"You mean he's alone?" Lister queried, feeling his throat constrict.

"Yes," she informed him, aware that he was being severely affected by this knowledge, but needing to tell him anyway. "And he can't handle it."

Lister stood immediately, inspired to act in some way, despite having no idea how.

"And that's why this is goodbye," Kochanski summarised, hiding the worry behind her sweet - if artificial - gaze. "He needs you, Dave."

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"Holly, what's this do?"

"This, Kryten, is the surveillance television of Starbug. Through this baby, we can see exactly what our Lord and Master is doing," she explained to the mechanoid. "I can feel him already, because I sustain the light bee that keeps his holographic form intact, but vision's always an advantage."

The screen flickered for a moment before revealing the image of Arnold Rimmer.

Both Kryten's and Holly's eyes widened as they realised what he was doing.

He was saying something to Lister, who lay in his lap, clearly dead but clearly needed by Rimmer.

"This thing got a volume control?" Kryten questioned, to which Holly blushed slightly, evidently having forgotten, and nodded, sliding a small notch on the side of the television upwards.

Rimmer's words were suddenly heard, and they were enough to break even the mechanoid's steel heart.

"When I was a kid, Dave," he began to explain, and Kryten was startled to see him openly crying, "I only had one friend, and she only spoke to me because she felt sorry for me. Annabelle Blanton, her name was. I used to sit there during lunch break, when I was about thirteen, and eat my lunch by myself. But one time, she came over, and started chatting to me. My first love, if you will."

He stopped for a moment, as though the memory was painful for him to recall, before continuing.

"The year after that, we went to a concert together - this open-air festival affair. We weren't really dating - it was more a casual kiss now and then. She left me at the hot dog stall to go to the loo. She said she'd only be a minute. I offered to go with her, but she told me not to be silly, and to wait for her there."

Breathing deeply, the hologram ploughed on.

"The police found her three days afterwards, battered to death, her pants round her ankles, obviously raped."

Holly and Kryten gasped in horror.

"No wonder he's such a bastard to everyone," Holly surmised, a tear leaking from her eye.

Kryten nodded sombrely, similarly close to tears, before turning back to the television.

"She understood me, Dave," Rimmer murmured. "She was the only one who ever has done. Not even Nirvanah understood me properly. But you do. You know why I'm such a prick to everyone. You know I wasn't born with a disposition for treating everyone and anyone like my inferiors. I can't help wondering sometimes what would have happened if I'd have gone with her, insisted that she needed some company, instead of being so compliant and staying where I was told."

Even across a visual link, Rimmer was obviously shaking, clutching at the man in his arms.

"I promised myself that after that that I'd never love someone else, never socialise with another individual in my whole life. Then, after it had finished, along came you. I tried desperately to dislike you, to hate you, and you made it so easy for me with your harsh words - but it didn't stop me. My heart was dead, but it was still beating. Beating for you. And I didn't understand why. I knew that we lived a dangerous life. So I didn't become attached. I was downright cruel to you the whole damn time. And I swore, every night while you were asleep, that I wouldn't lose you too. That you wouldn't die right beneath my nose, like Annabelle did. That if you did, I'd give up. Make Holly switch me off, and if she didn't, I'd tear apart every circuit on the ship until I found the one that contained my light bee's data, and destroyed it."

He let out a sob, clutching Lister tightly.

"But now Holly's gone, and we're on Starbug, and I don't know what to do, Dave," he murmured, tears streaming now. "I don't know what to do."

He shook Lister fiercely, desperation growing.

"Damn you, David Lister," he cried, giving up and collapsing against the man, his voice cracking. "Don't do this to me, Dave. Don't be dead. Please don't be dead. Stay with me. I need you. Don't make me go through this. I can't lose anyone else I love. I can't…"

He could barely speak, so choked that he was. But he somehow managed it, crying as he did so.

"I don't know how to turn myself off. I don't know how to handle being alone anymore. I don't know how to live without you. And I can't even ask Kryten or Cat, because they're not here either. I need someone, Listy. I need you. But you're never coming back, and I'm scared. I'm scared because I won't be able to say goodnight to you tonight, because I won't be able to talk to you, or hear your voice, or apologise for being such a bastard. That was all that kept me going most of the time. But most of all, I'm scared because I can't let you go. I can't be the man I should be - the man I always pretend to be - and let you go, bury you on a planet, somewhere only I can visit. That's what I should be doing, but I can't stop holding you, telling you all the things I should have told you when you were alive. Help me, David. Tell me what to do, because I haven't got a bloody clue how to cope with this. I wish I was strong like you. I wish I could be the man my father always wanted me to be. But I can't. I love you too much. Help me. Please…"

Sobbing, he lifted Lister into his arms, and hugged him, desolation pounding through his artificially stimulated body.

He had no idea that he wasn't the only one in tears.

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In his own Utopia, Cat's eyelids fluttered open to find the woman he'd just slept with watching a video and smoking a cigarette, still lying next to him. Noticing that he was awake, she grinned at him.

"Hello, sexy," she said brightly, blowing out smoke and kissing a similarly ecstatic Cat.

"Hi," he replied once it had ended, allowing her to snuggle against him.

However, now his heart was satiated, his head was quick to ensure that it kept up its end of the bargain.

_Now, you've had your fantasies. I do believe we had an agreement._

_Yes, _the annoyed heart replied. _We did._

"So, Amanda," Cat began, having asked her name between kisses, "what the hell is going on here?"

His eyes burned through her, immediately making her see what he meant, but she opted to be coy anyway.

"This is called the morning - or, as the case may be, afternoon - afterwards. I am currently smoking a Cuban cig -"

"I'm not THAT dense," he countered, reluctantly shifting from her and sitting up properly.

"Yes you are," she retorted, grinning. "That's what I love about you."

"Amanda, look…" he pleaded, desperate to understand now.

She sighed, stubbing out her cigarette on the bed cover, which surprisingly didn't begin to burn, and turned to him.

"You're dead," she said simply.

His eyes widened, and the temptation to ask the required questions tantalised his senses. To refrain from doing so, he stared ahead, wondering now what she was watching - and saw on the screen none other than Rimmer.

Rudely as he dared, he snatched the remote from Amanda's hand and removing the mute button, watching his crewmate in stunned horror.

"What's he doin'?" Cat asked, not really expecting a response, so therefore shocked when he received one.

"He's grieving, obviously," she replied testily, rolling her eyes as he left the bed, still naked, and stared at the television, stunned at what he was witnessing.

Rimmer was holding a clearly dead Lister tightly, crying into his chest in obvious despair, pleading for him to come back.

Memories surged through Cat as he recalled watching Lister perish under electrocution, then static lightning wash over him too. Lying not several feet away was Kryten, and Cat felt his throat constrict at the realisations that both of his friends were dead. He really didn't like Rimmer, but he empathised completely with his misery.

"Arnie," he whispered, upset as he watched the hologram murmur that he needed Lister.

"You have to go back to him," Amanda called over to him, making the former feline spin around.

"No I don't," he argued, despite knowing that the woman was completely right. He might not have been Rimmer's first choice, but the guy needed someone - and it seemed like it had to be him.

"Don't get me wrong, Cat," Amanda said, standing up and moving towards him, wrapping the evolved individual in a comforting embrace. "I don't want you to go. But it's not your time yet. You're not meant to be here."

"But I like it here," he replied shortly, staring at the female.

"You haven't seen any of it," she countered, grinning.

He grinned back.

"I've seen all I need to."

She smiled, taking the remote from him, and pressed a button, to which the screen flashed a deep purple and formed a swirling pattern, evidently acting as some sort of vortex.

"This will take you to Kryten," she explained. "It's just a simple temporal teleporter that will take you across to another's version of paradise."

He smiled slightly, taking her hand.

"I guess I'll see you round then," he muttered, heading for the teleportation device, waving a fond goodbye to her before he left.

"Cat, aren't you going to bother getting dressed…?" She enquired, amused by his failure to recall his naked state.

"Oh yeah…"

She giggled, walking to the bed and throwing him his boxer shorts.

For the first time in his life, Cat was doing something for someone that wasn't himself.

And it felt oddly rewarding.

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Dave Lister slammed the door of the curry house, barely suppressing his desire to cry, as Kochanski rushed out after him. She'd completely forgotten that there was a television mounted into the eastern wall of the place.

"Dave, look -" she began, but was quickly halted by his disgusted words.

"I've done enough looking, thanks," he snapped, strolling off down the road, leaving Kochanski to run behind him.

"David!"

Lister completely ignored her, quickening his pace intrinsically.

"Why doesn't he just use the AR? Is he so consumed by grief that he has to sit there and hug my corpse?"

He stopped abruptly, his voice cracking.

"Why am I so sick as to sit there and watch him when he needs me?"

He turned to his former girlfriend, a single tear falling from his eye.

"Tell me how to get back, Kris."

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"Incoming," Holly announced, still mopping up her tears from her viewing of Rimmer.

Kryten, who was trying to convince himself that Rimmer would be just fine alone, and kept repeating this as a sort of mantra under his breath, looked up, confused.

"Incoming?" He repeated, bewildered.

"Yeah," she answered, quickly moving several steps backwards. "You might want to move, mate."

"Why is t -"

But before the mechanoid could finish his sentence, he was met with a fierce wind, the like of which knocked him over, looking up just in time to see Cat step through a vanishing violet vortex.

"Can't say I didn't warn you," Holly muttered, helping him stand as Cat took in his surroundings, and the people within them.

"Why does it not surprise me that there are so many damn vacuums in your heaven?" Cat muttered, gaping as he saw Holly.

"Holly!" He cried, stunned at seeing the computer in fully fledged form instead of just as a disjointed head.

"Cat," she replied, smiling and walking over to him. Wrapping the shocked male in a hug, she grinned into his shoulder.

"Good to see you, mate - it's been AGES," she reminisced fondly, letting go and turning to him.

"But you're -" he began, obviously struggling to grasp how Holly was present. " - a computer!"

"So am I," Kryten pointed out, grinning and similarly embracing with the almost Human life form. "Are you all right, sir?"

"Half left," Cat replied pedantically, beaming anyway. "And she hugs better than you."

Holly laughed at Kryten's mocking offence, gripping Cat's hands.

"Wow," he muttered, feeling shivers strike through him. "This was almost worth leaving Amanda for."

"Amanda?" Holly echoed, confused.

"My greatest desires in one, tightly packaged, beautifully proportioned bundle," he remarked coyly, winking.

Kryten seemed to be the only one who was taking the affairs of the moment seriously, so accordingly cleared his throat and attempted to make the others listen. It had the desired effect; they both turned to him.

"I assume you are aware of the status of Mister Rimmer, sir?"

Cat nodded regretfully, reluctantly letting go of Holly's hands and facing the mechanoid.

"Yeah," he said heavily. "That's why I'm here. But I don't know what we're meant to do about it."

"Nor me," Kryten admitted. "And even if I did, it's not us he wants."

They both stared at each other, then turned to Holly, who sighed.

"I might be able to help," she answered. "But we're going to need Dave."

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Meanwhile, quite unnoticed by any of his deceased friends, Rimmer had somehow managed to let Lister go, and had moved into the AR machine room, still crying.

"Need to see him," he murmured, hoisting himself into the nearest chair, strapping himself in and lowering the machine's simulator onto his head.

The next moment, Arnold Rimmer was standing in a dimension completely void of all illumination except for one spotlight, metaphorically symbolising his emotional darkness.

At Rimmer's mental command, through the shadows stepped the frame of an imagined Lister, who was immediately tackled and wrapped in a breath-removing embrace by Rimmer.

The alternate Lister was completely confused by this.

"Rimmer, man, what are you doin'?" He demanded, returning the hug anyway. He pulled away, and was stunned to see his friend crying.

"Dave," the hologram whispered, his features igniting with a soft content.

"Rimmer?" Lister replied, bewildered at the man's concern and obvious love.

"Listy, just -" he began, smiling slightly, "- stay with me."

Lister stared.

"I'm not going anywhere, man!" He assured, stunned as Rimmer wrapped him in another hug.

"That's what they all say," Rimmer murmured into his soul mate's shoulder. "They all said that. They lied to me. You won't, will you?"

The look on Rimmer's face was almost desperate, as though he needed to hear this fact to ensure his survival.

"No…"

"Good."

And there Lister stood, holding the dead man, who clung to him as if his existence depended on it.

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The dimensional teleport disappeared as quickly as Cat's had, and through stepped the distressed frame of the actual Lister, who vaguely attempted to smile for his waiting comrades. However, unlike both his friends, he wasn't shocked to see Holly sitting down on an imagined chair before him.

"You're dead too, aren't you?" He responded, gladly accepting her hug, to which she nodded, grateful she didn't have to explain.

He reacquainted himself with his fellows in a brief greeting and a few embraces, before instantly returning to the matter at hand.

"What's the status on Arnold?" Lister demanded, answering his own question as he noticed the presence of the television screen. "AR suite. Fair enough."

He looked pained for a moment as he saw the man's tears, but shook himself irately and turned back to the tenacious trio.

"How do we get back?"

He was fixed intently on Kryten, but it was Holly who answered, and she looked somewhat hesitant.

"As I sustain Arnold's hologram, I have a duty to keep his light bee intact," she explained gently. "By Space Corporation directives, I therefore also have to maintain his will to exist. This instruction transcends the boundaries of reality, and as such - "

Her frame shimmered for a moment, watched by a concerned crew, before she filtered a small film of red light through her fingertips.

" - I can procure a gateway between life and death if I need to," she finished smartly, smiling as the stunned trio witnessed her shaping the energy into an archway.

"I guess this is goodbye," she commented, trying to hide her disappointment at their imminent departure. Although her voice remained light-hearted, neither Cat, Kryten nor Lister were fooled for a moment.

"Toodle pip and all," she said, way too brightly to be entirely realistic. "Au revoir, croak me a slipper -"

However, she was stopped mid-sentence by Lister, who gripped her hands and squeezed them.

"Not goodbye," he countered stubbornly, his eyes forming tears. "Never goodbye, Hol. More… see you later."

He tugged her into a secure grasp, and as he pulled back, she was genuinely beaming.

"It was fun while it lasted, dudes," she assured them softly, joining the remaining duet in a farewell hug.

"Bye, Holly," Cat said, seeming a little morbid but smiling anyway. He was the first to step through the vortex, and accordingly vanished.

Next came the mechanoid; he grinned shyly at her, his ears steaming slightly as she kissed him on the cheek. With a casual wave and a final goodbye, he too disappeared.

Holly gave Lister a smirk.

"Tell him I'm thinking of him," she requested, to which he nodded sombrely, unable to prevent a grin spreading over his face, despite her single tear.

"You'll be fine," he assured, once again holding her to him and brushing away the tear. Breaking away, she beamed at him, before kissing him quickly.

"Look after him, Dave," she instructed as he faced the gateway, to which he span around.

"Always," he vowed, grinning and disappearing, leaving Holly to close the vortex and watch the subsequent action on the interdimensional monitor.

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Swirling through the transporting energy, Lister's feet slammed into the floor of Starbug as he watched his dead body disappear. Taking a second to straighten himself, a strong arm grabbed him, and he laughed giddily as Kryten helped him to stand effectively.

Shaking his head of all confusion the teleport had caused, he thanked the mechanoid and stood independently.

"We'll get Starbug back on track," Cat assured the Human. "Go and see Rimmer."

Lister, more thankful than he would have been able to convey in a hurry, merely nodded gratefully, and set off for the AR suite, careful to be as quiet as possible. He didn't yet want Rimmer to know he was there.

The door slid open at the push of a button, and he smiled as he saw his friend there, his eyes watering as he watched the man cry.

Strapping himself down in the seat next to Rimmer, Lister joined him in his simulation of reality, remaining shrouded in the darkness while the hologram held his mentally engineered form.

A thought later, Rimmer was holding thin air, and accordingly almost fell over, despair ringing through him.

"Dave?" He whispered to the darkness, the only source of illumination dimming to an almost off position. "DAVE, COME BACK HERE!"

Lister strode through the shadows, barely restraining the desire to run into his arms, but managing to stop himself; he was fascinated by Rimmer's reaction.

"Lister," he murmured, his low voice piercing through the threads of darkness. "I need you. You promised me you wouldn't leave me. You promised…"

Lister, unable to stand it a moment longer, made himself visible and the light brighter, but he stayed behind Rimmer's forlorn and desolate frame.

"I won't, Arn," he vowed, watching a disbelieving Rimmer tense up, unable to face the disappointment of Lister probably not standing there. Bothered by this, Lister's fingers danced gently through the black surroundings, and came to rest on Rimmer's shoulder blade. The trembling hand reached out to meet Lister's, and slowly touched it, squeezing it tightly, as though it was some sort of lifeline.

"You feel so real," he said aloud, wonder in his tone. "So real, yet so not…"

Still facing away from Lister, his eyes closed as he felt contented for a moment - contented to be there, and to feel the slender fingers of his crewmate.

"I'm more real than you might think," Lister replied, his brave voice nothing more than a front.

"Don't lie to me," Rimmer snapped back, almost cutting off the blood supply to Lister's fingers as he was clutching at them so firmly. "You're dead. You're dead, and I don't know what to do. Tell me how to cope, Listy. I can't do it without you. I don't know how to bury you, how to say goodbye, or how to stop loving you. All I wanted was to have you there, and to love you silently. Couldn't even have that, could I? Not me. No, not Arnold Judas Rimmer. He's the sort of bloke who fails his astronavigation exams, disappoints his family and murders the whole crew. He's not the sort of bloke who's allowed a little happiness."

The haunted nature of Rimmer's tone frightened Lister like nothing had for a long time - he'd had no idea that the hologram still harboured the guilt of inadvertently killing the Red Dwarf team. Forcing himself to maintain his emotions, Rimmer swallowed slightly before continuing.

"I feel so useless," he whispered, more to himself, although Lister could hear him clearly enough through the otherwise silent area. "I know I have to get through this, be strong, be a man… but I can't. All I want to is find my hologram's data and inject lethal viruses into it, or smash it, or chuck it out of the airlock, or SOMETHING. I don't want to spend my death in a simulator because I can't handle existing alone. But I can't move. You're not even real, and I can't stop gripping your hand…"

Rimmer was trembling, still unable to turn round and face the disappointment of apparently standing alone.

"I'm so afraid, Lister. So afraid, so useless -"

Lister pulled at Rimmer's hands, taking them from his shoulders so he didn't feel the tears pool onto his exposed skin.

"What are you afraid of?" Lister asked.

A slight titter, tinged with bitterness, left Rimmer.

"I don't know, really. Being alone, perhaps. But then again, that would mean that I was permanently terrified."

"Are you then?"

The grip tightened.

"Not when you're there. I'm useless without you."

"You're not useless, Arnold Rimmer," he murmured, the tears sliding down his own face now. "You're brave. I couldn't handle this as well as you are."

He choked out his disbelief.

"I'm the biggest coward the Space Corps has ever known, and I'm handling this pathetically," he replied emotionlessly.

"No," Lister answered. "No. You're not. You're not useless. You're amazing."

The hologram pulled his own and Lister's hand up to his heart, allowing the living Human to feel the alarming pace that was thumping through it. Fear swept through Lister as he felt the ferocity of the drumming.

"If I'm so brave, tell me why it's beating so fast," he murmured, pressing Lister's hand against his chest as hard as he could. "Tell me why I don't know how to live without you."

"I wouldn't know how to either," the Liverpudlian admitted, stilling the shaking of the hologram's stimulated fingers. "But I'd remind myself, Arnold, of all the good times. The times that I enjoyed. The times shared, the meaningless insults swapped, the adventures… and it'd keep me going for a while. After that - well, who knows. Probably stick a knife somewhere between my heart and spleen."

To Lister's surprise, Rimmer laughed. However, it was a laugh full of sour comprehension and not of genuine humour.

"Nice to know you can relate," he muttered, his vocal chords reflecting his bitter amusement. "So I'm screwed in the long term. Thanks for that, Dave. I always could rely on you to soften the blow…"

Lister's emotions snapped and he spun Rimmer round, pulling the shocked man into his embrace, comforted slightly by the way the second technician's heartbeat immediately slowed a little. Rimmer crushed him against his chest, scared that he'd disappear in a moment's time, before realising that this was just making his eventual duty much harder.

"Stop it, Lister," he muttered, attempting to pull away. "Stop it. You're not real…"

Lister tightened his hold, unwilling to allow Rimmer to escape it.

"Don't you get it?!" Rimmer cried desperately, not wanting to leave his acquaintance's embrace, but feeling as though he had to. "This just makes it harder to leave you! I have to let go, although I don't understand how I can do it, but I have to… you're not real…"

"Do I feel real, Rimmer?"

Rimmer stared at him, his eyes wide, and nodded.

"Do you want me to be real?"

"More than anything," he responded, his eyes watering solemnly, the mist gathering within them.

"Then I am real," Lister assured him, pulling away from him to stare into his eyes. "I'm as real as you are."

Rimmer shook his head fiercely, terrified at the prospect of having his fears confirmed again, and having Lister disappear in a moment.

"Lies," he whispered, tears falling for the thousandth time.

Lister, who was also crying, tipped Rimmer's chin up, and captured his lips with his own.

It was a tender, loving, gentle kiss, which sent trembles through both men, particularly Rimmer, who was shaking anyway. Their tears intermingled and continued to fall, quivering gently on the line of their joined lips. It was mildly irritating, but neither was willing to break apart to quell their descent. The optical water's flow increased as Rimmer's need to prove that this wasn't simply a simulated illusion commanded him, and he wrapped his arms more tightly around Lister's shoulders. It was only once Rimmer was satisfied with the fact that the Liverpudlian was real and not imagined did he loosen the kiss slightly.

"Tell me Arnold," Lister queried once they had broken away, "does a lie kiss like that?"

"Not last time I checked," Rimmer murmured, a small smile gracing his mouth. A fragment or three of his soul flittered back into place, but the rest remained in the unbearable, icy depths of death. He wanted to dry his sodden features, but couldn't bring himself to leave Lister's embrace.

Lister's eyebrows raised.

"Do you check often then?"

Rimmer laughed - and for the first time, it wasn't filled with anguish. It had a pained edge ringing into it, but it was a little lighter than it had previously been.

"I love you," the hologram said, resting his head against the living Human's shoulder. "And I shouldn't. I can't love a dead man…"

"Guess that leaves me a little buggered then," Lister surmised cheerfully.

A small chuckle emitted from Rimmer. Lister smiled, and caught the second technician's gaze.

"Do you trust me?"

Rimmer nodded, shocked that Lister had to ask, before his cheek was cupped affectionately.

"Then trust me now."

They kissed again, this time Lister commanding and having them fade from the realm Rimmer had created. Lister saw the fright his eyes as failed to realise what was happening, but through the simulator's connection, Lister reassured him, telling him it was alright, and that his trust would be rewarded. Rimmer followed uneasily, his lips prising away from Lister's as he was removed from the simulation…

Returning to harsh reality, the hard-light filter removed his helmet, feeling the tearstains chill his cheeks. He wiped them away, allowing them to naturally finish drying. It was only when he eventually stood that he realised he wasn't alone.

"Hello Arnold," Lister greeted, similarly standing, smiling placidly at his acquaintance.

Rimmer couldn't tear his eyes away from the Liverpudlian's frame; without understanding how his presence was possible, he pulled the living Human into his arms, vaguely hoping that this wasn't a dream, and cried into his shoulder, rendering his previous action of drying the tears pointless.

"You left me," Rimmer accused, his voice muffled against the fabric of Lister's jacket. "You left me here alone, you bastard. Cat and Kryten were dead too, and I couldn't…"

He allowed his stricken voice to trail off, a shiver racing through him as he held Lister tighter, the sobs growing gradually quieter.

"I'm sorry, Arn," Lister murmured. "I'm so sorry…"

"So you damn well should be, David Lister."

Rimmer's bright red eyes lifted from his friend's shoulder and met Lister's own.

"Don't you ever do this to me again," he begged. "Don't you dare put me through this a second time. I wanted to die, damn it. I wanted to switch myself off so I could be with you…"

"I know," Lister responded, crushed more by guilt than by the death grip of the man holding him. "But I'm back now."

"To stay?"

"To stay."

"Good."

They grinned at each other, the tears over now.

"Cat and Kryten are here too."

Rimmer's face lit up.

"How?"

Lister's grin widened.

"Now, that's a long story," he replied simply, "and one I think we should save. My imagination can only take so much."

Rimmer's smile became slightly indulgent.

"I thought your imagination was limitless," he teased, impossibly delighted to be back with Lister.

"Oh, it is," Lister countered casually. "But it's a bit busy right now."

Rimmer laughed through their chaste kiss, feeling his heart and soul automatically fuse back to their original position as their tongues wound around each other's.

"I love you, Arnold Judas Rimmer," Lister said gently after their kiss.

Rimmer's heart soared, but his face shifted into one of the utmost sincerity.

"If you love me, you'll make me a promise."

The words were heavy with need and sentiment and pleading, and Lister nodded softly.

"Promise me you'll always be safe."

Lister opened his mouth to speak, but Rimmer immediately interrupted, needing to say his piece first.

"Promise me you won't die for me, or for any other purpose," he ordered. "Because I can't do this again. I need you, Dave. You couldn't ever understand how much I need you."

Lister closed his eyes, sighing slightly.

"I can't promise you that," he replied, wishing he could, but being unable to. The fact remained that one day, unless his light bee malfunctioned beforehand, Lister would perish long before Rimmer.

"Dave, please. This is all I'll ever ask of you. I need to know."

Rimmer was urgent in his demands, causing a conflict between Lister's common sense, and his desire to make the hologram happy.

"All I can say is that I'll try," the living Human vowed seriously. "I don't want to leave you either."

Rimmer sighed, but accepted this as acknowledgement.

"That'll do," he said gently.

He reached up to stroke Lister's cheek, their eyes burning into each other's.

"I love you," Rimmer whispered, closing his eyes and leaning against his new partner. "I love you so much."

Lister's eyelids closed too, comfort drifting through his whole form as he allowed his thoughts to wander…

His eyes snapped open, suddenly recalling the reason for his death. Curiosity sliced through him - how had Rimmer survived the blast of their future selves?

"Rimmer, what happened to those other guys?"

The hologram couldn't answer, and instead mused.

"No idea - they might have left after they'd achieved their goal. I didn't notice."

Rimmer's thoughts matured, and panic returned to the forefront.

"You are real, aren't you?"

The need in the man's voice almost made Dave Lister's heart break.

"I'm real," he whispered into his ear. "I CAN promise you that. I told you, I'm not leaving again. Not for a long, long time."

"Sure?"

"Positive."

Rimmer seemed convinced, and gripped Lister's shoulder a little tighter, as if trying to prove he was really there.

"Kryten and Cat will be wondering where we are," the Liverpudlian reminded him gently, squeezing his hand in reassurance.

A smile claimed Rimmer's face as he return the gesture.

"Better not keep them waiting then."

"Nope."

But neither of them moved.

"I assume dead people can walk," Lister commented sarcastically, smiling anyway.

"I don't know, Dave. Could you?"

"Yeah, I could. How about you?"

Rimmer shrugged.

"No problems here."

And they still remained stationary.

"Well, now we've established that neither of us has any intention of moving…"

Lister chuckled, and promptly sat on the floor of the AR suite, dragging Rimmer down with him.

"Let's talk."

The hologram stared at him.

"About what?"

It was Lister's turn to shrug this time.

"I don't know. Life. The Universe. Everything. Aliens."

Rimmer's eyes rolled on that last word.

"Not the alien debate again…"

"You know you love it."

"Nah," Rimmer answered honestly. "I may find myself unable to move my limbs, but I know what I love. And -"

A soft and loving smile curved across his mouth.

" - it's not discussions about alien existence."

Lister held him in another embrace.

"But, just for the record - they do."

Lister laughed and pulled Rimmer against the back wall of the suite, lacing his fingers with his own and allowing the dead man to lean slightly against him. Rimmer pulled their hands up to his chest. They were now firmly locked in a secure hold.

"They'll find us eventually," Lister reasoned aloud, to which Rimmer nodded, halfway wishing they wouldn't, or at least not for several hours.

"So… Life. The Universe. Everything."

"So much to say..."

"This could be a quite a lengthy discussion, David."

"Probably," Lister agreed. "But I can't think of anyone I'd rather discuss it with."

"Nor me."

They kissed again, fire spreading through their forms, before they each relaxed, finally content.

"So, my little Einstein in training," Lister said fondly, "why forty-two?"

"You'd have to ask Douglas Adams," Rimmer replied quietly, closing his eyes as he felt Lister's arms tighten across him.

"That'd be a bit difficult. One, he's three million years away. Two, he'd probably tell me to stay the smeg away from his plot devices. And three, I'm not moving."

Rimmer's smile widened, though his eyes remained fastened shut.

"We don't really need to move, Dave. We're sitting right next to two simulators."

"True. But I can't hug you if I'm sitting in a chair."

"Alternate Reality devices? Never heard of them."

Lister's laugh rang across the room.

"Well, rumour has it that Adams was a little, shall we say _- worse for wear _when he wrote the Hitchhiker's series. So, to be honest, even if you could talk to him, the likelihood is that he'd resemble some stir-crazy GELF with a price tag on our heads."

"Scary thought."

"Terrifying," Rimmer agreed. "Imagine it - being executed by an author. Oh, the humanity..."

Lister nodded, failing to maintain a straight face.

"Let's talk about something more normal."

"Such as…?"

Dave's face was thoughtful for a moment.

"How about - Doctor Who?"

Rimmer sighed through his laughter.

"I give up on you, David Lister. I really do."

"Oh good. Does that mean we can kiss again now?"

"I should imagine so."

And they did, their combined loneliness finally satiated as their lips fused in a tender embrace, each having discovered their soulmate in the other.

The End


End file.
